Alton Towers with kids review: Bluey rides, waterpark, and the real cost (aff)

I remember hearing once that part of parenting is essentially doing things that you don't want to do. And as I crawled into a single bunkbed after a day at Alton Towers and ahead of a morning at the Alton Towers Waterpark, as someone with a phobia of water and not much more love for rollercoasters, I sort of knew what they meant.

But an even bigger part of the most important job you'll ever do is seeing excitement on your kids' faces and on that front, the Alton Towers Resort stay didn't disappoint. Our four-year-old, fresh from six weeks of inactivity while her fractured collarbone fused, was let loose and didn't waste a minute.

The highlight was the park's new Bluey ride at Alton Towers, the main attraction in the sensory overload that is CBeebies Land. Fortunately it was a Friday, and we have a few months before she starts school and we fall victim to the great half-term holidays increase, so the queues were short.

But it wouldn't be Alton Towers, or Britain in general, without the prospect of waiting your turn and it was a nice touch that the planners had obviously thought about that, putting a few play areas and little bits on the route to hopefully keep the bored little 'uns entertained for a fraction of the queuing time.

(Incidentally, if you buy the normal park 'Alton Towers Fast Track pass', it isn't valid at CBeebies Land and you have to purchase a separate one. Squeezing at least another seven quid - or £10 for three people - out of folks who've already forked out decent money to skip the queues seemed a little harsh.)

We eventually got on the Bluey rollercoaster. The delay wasn't from queuing, but an indecisive toddler who, having been excited about the new Bluey ride for a week, decided at the last minute she suddenly didn't fancy it. Later we queued again, for a bit longer, and she tried to change her mind again right at the front.

After a bit of gentle persuasion - and potentially the prospect of an ice cream afterwards - she loved it. Eventually. After the first of two go-rounds, she was unsure. By the second, she was hooked on the Bluey attraction at Alton Towers.

But make no mistake, Bluey fans - it was pretty intense. If you were expecting an experience as leisurely and serene as sitting through an episode of the show (I particularly recommend the cricket one) then it's nothing like. To the point where you wonder - about halfway round the first loop, in my case - how on earth this was deemed suitable for kids. But the Bluey ride got the thumbs-up from our party, and rightly so.

Part of the trip was an overnight stay in a 'moon voyage room' at the Alton Towers Hotel. Nestled in some well-kept grounds, within walking distance of the handy Monorail to the Alton Towers theme park, it was basic, but not negatively so. Its sole purpose, after all, is to give excited kids and broken adults somewhere to at least try and recharge overnight - even the six-foot dad who got displaced to the bunkbed so the pre-schooler could sleep with mum.

Even then it did its job admirably and a giant teddy on the bed when we arrived was a nice touch, even if it sparked a lengthy debate over whether or not it was ours to keep. Instead we decided it was probably another cash-grab, which was another overriding emotion from a weekend deep in a Staffordshire forest. Alton Towers Resort is an assault both on the senses and the wallets.

For dinner we fell for the gimmick of the Rollercoaster Restaurant at Alton Towers, where your food arrives straight from the kitchen via a series of tracks and lands at your table.

It was cool, to be fair, but it was downhill from there. The food was reasonable enough - a standard burger, a watery chicken katsu curry, a chicken burger akin to one you'd dig out of the freezer on a Sunday when there's nothing else for tea - but for the inflated Alton Towers restaurant prices, you'd expect better. And after a day chasing around after a four-year-old, the booming tones of Dua Lipa turned up to 11 through the speaker system was the last thing we needed.

To be fair, we heard great things about the Secret Garden Restaurant inside our actual hotel and the breakfast the next morning was absolutely superb. As a football writer you experience a few different hotel chains and this far exceeded anything on offer anywhere else. The staff at the Alton Towers hotel were also courteous and attentive, especially the concierge on the front desk who looked and sounded a little like Paul McCartney and had a cheery word for everyone he came across. Another nice touch.

The coup de grace for our money was the following morning's Alton Towers Waterpark visit. I had no real expectations, wondering if it would be like something from the local leisure centre, but the waterpark at Alton Towers was genuinely brilliant. We could have spent all day in there (me mostly in the hot tub-type Volcanic Springs warm pool on the top level) and it didn't feel too manic despite being a Saturday. Watch out for the giant bucket of water that drenches all it sees, though, every so often. Brutal.

Other success stories through little eyes were the Vroom ride and the Hey Duggee playground, which at least gave parents a breather while their offspring ran riot. One couldn't get his child out, commenting to no-one in particular that it was the most expensive playground he had ever paid for.

And that, as we drove back to the promised land of the north, was the big dilemma for the Hall party. We had survived, and the little one had loved Alton Towers. But at what cost? Next week, on Friday night as we stayed, the Alton Towers hotel is £306.50.

Alton Towers tickets for two adults and one child, for one day? £111. Three for the Alton Towers Waterpark the following day? That'll be £72, please. Want to splash out on a gold Alton Towers Fast Track pass to avoid queues in the main park? They are £157.50 each, per day. A one-night stay along those lines could conceivably cost as much as £962, and closer to four figures if you play it safe and add the £25 cancellation insurance.

And that, ultimately, is the trick Alton Towers Resort pulls off so expertly. You leave exhausted, slightly overstimulated and wondering how on earth one night in Staffordshire ended up costing the thick end of a grand - a sum which, it turns out, could have covered a decent week abroad even during the half-term hike.

But then your four-year-old spends the entire drive home talking about Bluey, water slides and ice cream, before asking when she can go back to Alton Towers. Parenting, it turns out, is occasionally doing things you don’t particularly fancy yourself in exchange for memories your kids probably won’t forget for a long time.