As a fellow left-footed dynamo, I’ve been following the Gareth Bale will he, won’t he transfer saga with great (well, minimal actually) interest.
And it is the last 30 days, as the temperatures have soared and the tabloids have gone into overdrive, which has really made my ears perk up.
So here, in summary, is a month in the life of a footballing saga.
Day one - Real Madrid are preparing to make an offer for Tottenham’s Gareth Bale.
Day two - They’re happy to break the bank for the Welsh superstar.
Day three - Tottenham are going to do all they can to keep hold of their prized asset.
Day four - Spurs chairman Daniel Levy is getting a new, long-term, bumper contract ready for Bale.
Day five - ‘I want to play Champions League football!’ says Bale.
Day six - We can offer Champions League football, hopefully next year, say Spurs.
Day seven - Bale can’t speak Spanish.
Day eight - Madrid are still weighing up their options but can’t find another player to spend a ludicrous amount of money on.
Day nine - ‘Spurs are keeping me in the dark’ says Bale who could easily walk down the road to the newsagents and buy a paper.
Day 10 - Madrid want another world class player because the last one has left after not getting enough game time.
Day 11 - Spurs have signed an unheard of Brazilian to play alongside Bale.
Day 12 - Actually, he’s really big in his native country.
Day 13 - The top four is out target says AVB.
Day 14 - Manchester United have entered the race for Bale but aren’t prepared to break the bank.
Day 15 - Yes they are.
Day 16 - No they’re not.
Day 17 - Yes they are.
Day 18 - Well they might be.
Day 19 - Daniel Levy says that Bale, like Luka Modric, isn’t going anywhere. Oh.
Day 20 - Spurs want a player as well as £Xmillion or there’s no deal.
Day 21 - You can’t have one says Madrid.
Day 22 - An 80s Spurs player, who you think you know but can’t quite remember, says that Bale would be better served, you know, staying, you know, at, you know, Spurs, you know, for, you know, another season you know.
Day 23 - Madrid finally lay their cards on the table with a massive cash offer.
Day 24 - ‘I want to leave!’ says Bale.
Day 25 - Bale arrives at the Spurs training ground. In a car, Then leaves. In the same car.
Day 26 - Spurs say they want £100million.
Day 27 - Spurs sign another player, from somewhere for too much, to play alongside Bale and show that they’ve got ambition.
Day 28 - ‘Spurs have got no ambition!’ says Bale.
Day 29 - Bale is a Spurs player and he is statying at White Hart Lane say the club.
Day 30 - Bale joins Real Madrid with Manchester United given first option to sign him when he leaves.